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HOMEOWNER'S CORNER
BY HARVEY HOMEOWNER
DON'T RENT YOUR HOME TO A SCHMO
An ex-neighbor of mine Moe Gull owns a lot of rental houses. Good for him I say,
he can afford it. I am satisfied with my two bedroom home where I can sit
comfortably in my undershirt, watching The Price is Right and relaxing. After a
long career working at the Hormel plant in Minnesota don't you think I deserve a
little rest and relaxation?
Moe was telling me about the problem he was having with one property. Seems he
rented the place to a fellow who was just out of Joliet and now all the copper
plumbing is gone. Good thing for Moe most of the pipes were polybutylene.
Then the tenant subleased rooms to foreigners who parked dozens of undocumented aliens in Moe's garage, master bedroom and walk in closet.
Moe also had to pay a hefty fine to the association various violations related
to the schmo tenants. Then they stopped paying rent to Moe altogether.
Now don't get me wrong. The vast majority of renters are swell folks. Mrs.
Homeowner and I rented a small apartment for 49 years before retiring to North
Ranch. But when you rent you need to do some homework, if you know what is good for
you.
Don't rent to a schmo when there are so many wonderful people without multiple
felonies who would love to live in this beautiful community.
BOOZE AT THE POOL WILL GET YOU IN HOT WATER (hotter than the temperature of
the small pool).
My neighbor Hy Ball is an amateur bartender. Hy throws the best parties and is a
genius with a shaker and swizzle stick. Mrs. Homeowner is partial to Hy's big,
sweet tasting girlie drinks.
Me, I keep it simple: One or two bourbon Presbyterians with some Melba Toast to
snack on. Mrs. Homeowner simply won't have me lying in bed with an ice pack on a
Saturday morning, not when there are rocks to rake and a weed or two to spray.
Not one to read the rules, Hy once took his party and portable bar to the big
pool. I told them to stay home if they knew what was good for them but they
wouldn't listen.
The story goes, everything went fine until Sam Minilla drank one Milwaukee's
Best too many and was then seen swinging from the "researcher's rope" on the owl
tree like Tarzan. The owl was so disgusted he took up permanent residence on a
tennis court lamp pole.
Hy even had his pool key turned off by the association for bringing booze to the
pool and causing a disturbance.
Neighbors, let's keep our booze at home and not get in trouble at the pool like
Hy Ball, if you know what's good for you.
PIGEONS MAKE A BIG MESS
My neighbor Sam Minilla is a bird watcher. You can see him out at about
5:00 am on a Sunday taking Polaroids of the fine feathered friends who frequent
the wash behind our houses. Mrs. Minilla is out their too filling up bird
feeders to the brim and tossing seeds and crumbs in every directions. Some of
the seeds land in my yard.
And whaddya, know. Pigeons, pigeons everywhere. Mrs. Homeowner found out the
hard way about the pigeons when she pulled up in the Buick after going to the
car wash. What a mess!
Pigeons lover to feed on the ground. Keep the bird food off the ground to keep
the pigeons away, if you know what's good for you.
I know I do.
MAKE SURE YOU FILL OUT YOUR ARC REQUEST FORM
Last summer Mrs. Homeowner asked me, "Harvey, when are you going to paint the
house you lazy bum?" So I painted the house but I filled out an ARC Request Form
first. Why? Because I know what's good for me.
My neighbor down the street Mr. Imus Knott saw me painting my house and figured
he better do the same before Mrs. Knott whacked him with a frying pan. Now Imus
the spendthrift hired an army of painters and got the whole house done before I
could even
finish painting
my front door.
The problem was, Imus Knott used colors picked out by Mrs. Knott from Better
Homes and Garden magazine....colors that would have looked great on my aunt's
home in Nantucket but not here in North Ranch.
Not surprisingly the ARC Committee was all over Imus Knott like a cheap suit
because he used unauthorized colors. He had to repaint his house again. To add
insult to injury Mrs. Knott whacked him with the frying pan after all.
Peoples, please fill out an ARC Request Form before you commit to a home project
if you know what's good for you.
I know I do.
CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR MUTTS
Imagine taking a nice walk in the common area on a spring day. The smell of
flowers, butterflies and bees buzzing around and little birdies everywhere. And
then it happens:
You take a step and SPLAT! Time to get a new pair of Thom McAn's and the smell
of flowers is replaced by you know what.
I have had several dogs over the years and believe me you I know the kind of
messes those lovable little fuzz balls can make....and we gotta clean up after
them if we know what's good for us.
Lucky for me, I have Mrs. Homeowner to do the cleaning up after the dog at home.
I take the dog for a walk every day when Mrs. Homeowner is watching The Price is
Right. I carry these little plastic bags, see, to clean up after the dog
when he does his duty. The little plastic bags work just as well as Mrs.
Homeowner.
Next time you take little Fido out for a walk in the common area, please, think
about your neighbor and pick up any dog waste left by your dog if you know
what's good for you.
I know I do.
SHUT YOUR GARAGE DOORS
I see a lot of people leaving their garage doors open in the middle of the day.
If I see them then an observant robber does too. Why make it easy for a thief to
steal your valuables or get inside your home?
You might as well put up a sign in front of your house that says, "Rob me now!"
Keep your garage door shut if you know what's good for you.
I know I do.
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