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HOMEOWNER'S CORNER
BY HARVEY HOMEOWNER
LET'S NOT LET OUR YARD SALES BECOME FLEA
MARKETS
Since returning
for the winter months from Minnesota I have gotten to know a few new
North Ranch neighbors who moved in over the summer. Neighbors are wonderful! We live in an neighborhood
full of wonderful, funny, and interesting people. People are so friendly
here and that is one of the main reasons Mrs. Homeowner and I purchased
our North Ranch home after I retired from the Hormel plant. Take my new neighbor Y. R. Kash. He is so
enterprising and original. A few weeks ago Mrs. Homeowner was awaken by noises
outside coming from next door. I was already awake mind you. I get up
every day at 5:45 am to enjoy my cup of hot water. My doctor says I need
to cut back on coffee and recommended sipping hot water instead. It is a
little bit bland but he is my doctor and knows what’s good for me! Mrs. Homeowner went outside to see what was going
on and was surprised to see a whole bunch of cars and trucks parading up
and down the street with furniture and various and sundry items
sticking out. It was a very festive atmosphere, not unlike a party at
the Knights of Columbus. But it was only out neighbor Y. R. Kash having
another biig yard sale. I love yard sales and love flea markets even more.
The commotion didn’t bother me but it bothered Mrs. Homeowner. Her
beauty sleep is important to her, and me. Y.R. Kash had quite a spread going there in his
front yard. There were some things for sale that I was interested in but
Mrs. Homeowner wouldn’t let me buy including: A German WW2 hand grenade. (disarmed) A TV Guide from 1970 with Mike “Mannix” Connors on the cover. An unopened case of Sea Monkeys - great for Christmas gifts I thought, but Mrs. Homeowner didn’t agree. A signed picture of Gorgeous George. A complete set of Poker Playing Dogs wall pictures. An Atari video game machine. Again, for the grandchildren but Mrs. Homeowner said they wouldn’t like it. Y.R’s garage was also stuffed with what looked like all kinds of old carnival game equipment. I asked Y.R. about it and he said that was for the “end of the month.” Three more weeks went by and three more yard sales. Y. R. comes knocking on my door and he was sore, real sore. He got a letter from the Association about having too many yard sales, or Flea Markets. Y.R. said it was his right to do what he wanted to on his property and mumbled something about the big “end of the month extravaganza.” The last Saturday of the month I was surprised to see flags everywhere, like the kind they have at my cousin Cecil’s car lot in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. We like cousin Cecil and he makes excellent bratwurst but nobody in the Homeowner family will buy a car from him anymore. Not since the motor fell out of Aunt Elsa’s ‘68 Dodge Dart and she missed bingo. The traffic on our North Ranch street had to be seen to be believed. Then there was a big line of people in front of Y.R.’s. There was a regular carnival going on complete with Hoop Toss, Ring a Peg, a Wonder Wheel, a Nail Hammering Game, Milk Bottles, a Devil’s Bowling Alley and even a Fish Pond! My Grandpa used to work as a flatty at the Minnesota state fair and carnivals, and I remember seeing these games as a little kid. I used to play the Fish Pond but Grandpa showed me how these games were all “gaffed.” I didn’t know and still don’t know what Granpda was talking about and then he went away for 3 years after that. Y.R.’s front yard carnival brought back some good memories - only thing missing was a nice funnel cake with strawberries! Then there was a big commotion at the Devil’s Bowling Alley. Some patron had gotten into a scuffle with Y.R. and was demanding his money back. Y.R. gave the man a cold one and he seemed happy, so happy he chugged it down fast and tossed it into the yard across the street. Maybe he was just practicing for the milk bottle game. In fact everything was fun and games until the sheriff’s deputies showed up. Then it was like something out of Dragnet or Adam 12. The deputies were real nice and they liked Mrs. Homeowner's coffee and donuts. Y.R’s swell equipment was confiscated and there were a lot of long faces. Y.R. is a fast-talker and was able to convince the deputies that the circulating Fish Pond game was a water feature for his yard, so they let him keep that...but I wonder if he got ARC approval for it. I don’t know what became of the letter from the Association about Flea Markets but I looked up the item in the rules and sure enough we as neighbors need to refrain from having Flea Markets on our lots. I never saw another one at Y.R.’s house. Mrs. Homeowner is happy but I would have liked a shot at the Fish Pond. Neighbors, let’s all be aware of the rules. If we have questions let’s contact the NRCA. If you know what’s good for you!
DO YOU KNOW WHO HAS YOUR POOL KEY? Well peoples, this year 2011 marks our 7th anniversary in our beautiful North Ranch home. We are proud to say the neighborhood has never looked better! There are new streets by the big pool neighborhood and a new deck surface at the big pool. The landscaping is wonderful. Mrs. Homeowner is especially pleased with the new landscaping company Chula Vista that has been here since last November. Mrs. Homeowner asks if they are the same landscape company that does all the pruning and trimming at Disneyland because it is as nice as the landscaping at Disneyland. If they are the same company that does Disneyland maybe they will shape the hedges around the pool to look like Pluto, Goofy and Donald Duck. They are my favorites. Just no Mickey Mouse. Mickey’s voice bothers me. Too squeaky. Mrs. Homeowner and I will be here all summer, hooray! Our Minnesota home will be looked after by our neighbor Mrs. Kudika and Big Thor, my nephew, will take care of doing the winterizing before it gets cold in late July. Will I miss the autumn ice fishing and the lutefisk festival and Kirby Puckett Daze? Well, yes…..but not that much because I will be spending most of my time at the big pool! Not the small pool, mind you. Now don’t get me wrong the small pool is gorgeous but if it was any warmer I’d fall asleep and falling asleep underwater is not something my doctor recommends at my age. Speaking of the gorgeous pools, just yesterday my neighbor Edna Sand was pounding on my door while I was watching my dvd set of Hawaii 5-0. Not the phony new one, but the original from the 1960s and 70s, you know the good one! Edna was sore, real sore…or as sore as Edna can get being she is a diminutive retired kindergarten teacher, who pushes her Yorkshire Terrier Petunia around the block at every evening in a baby carriage. It seems Edna’s pool key was deactivated by the Association for pool rules violations. Edna was sore because she said she hadn’t even been to the pool in over 10 years and doesn’t even have the pool key anymore, she gave it to her grandson Wrex, who lives in Bakersfield, CA but visits Edna every now and then. I remember Edna telling me a couple of years ago about Wrex but that was when Wrex volunteered to handle all of Edna’ finances to make things easier for her. Then she started to receive all them collection notices. What a terrible mess for poor Edna. It wasn’t all bad as somehow she started getting a bunch of coupons in the mail for free rooms in Las Vegas, more than collection notices even. Edna got back control of her finances from Wrex and eventually visited Las Vegas. She even sent me a postcard with a picture of 99 cent shrimp cocktail on it. Edna said she got a notice about her pool key deactivation along with pictures of what looked like a motorcycle and tattoo artist’s convention at the big pool. Somebody was doing donuts in the parking lot and there was what looked like beer kegs floating in the pool and there was a lot of smoke. What happened was her grandson Wrex rolled into town with about two dozen of his buddies and decided to go wading in the beautiful big pool. Then they went to the small pool for a few minutes but returned quickly to the big pool. Maybe it was too hot. From the picture Edna showed me it looked like there were about 50 people in the party and a lot of crazy stuff was going on. I explained to Edna what the North Ranch Rules say about guests and behavior and how we as owners are responsible for our guests behavior at the pools, in fact we are supposed to be with them at all times. Edna understood and is going to get a handle on it.Peoples, the North Ranch pools are among the nicest of any community anywhere. Let’s all follow the rules and know where our pool keys are, if we know whats good for us!
SUBMITTING ARC FORMS: NOT FOR THE BIRDS My neighbor Sam Minilla just loves birds - all kinds of them. And the birds love Sam too! You can tell because of all the pigeons on his roof. There must be two hundred or more up there every day. Sam is always coming back from Ace Hardware with his Mercury Meteor Montcalm wagon loaded with 50 pound bags of wild bird feed. Sam brought the wagon back from Canada after the Vietnam war. Mrs. Homeowner and I are partial to the Buick Estate Wagon with the big block 455. Go fast with class, I say! You should see when Sam turns the corner off Cactus Canyon Pass and onto our street with all the birds going crazy to see him. It’s just like going to the air show except they don’t use real bombs at the air show like these pigeons do! Before the economy tanked Sam had his wild bird feed delivered twice a week by that gourmet bird feed company Jacques’ Seed de Jour - kind of an ice cream truck for birds I suppose. At least Sam is buying American now. About a year ago Sam constructed an enormous aviary in his small back yard to house birds. This was no ordinary bird house. The pieces had to be loaded by a crane into the yard. During construction a big steel section fell into the common wall smashing it to bits. Sam filled it up with all kinds of birds. Hummingbirds, finches, sparrows, doves, cardinals, and of course pigeons, lots of pigeons, they were all in there. The only birds missing were emus and ostriches. This was only because US Customs prevented Sam from taking them across the Mexican border. One time Sam left the gate open and a big whootie owl got in there. I never heard such a racket and never seen so many feathers flying. It took Sam a couple of weeks to get new birds after that whootie owl got in there. One Saturday night while I was enjoying Myron Floren’s accordion playing on the Lawrence Welk Show my doorbell started to ring like crazy. It was Sam Minilla. He was sore, real sore. It seemed somebody sent in a complaint form to the Association about his giant back-yard bird house and the broken wall. Sam said he ignored the notices because they were “illegitimate” and told of how he went to the board meeting to give them a “piece of his mind.” Sam said the Association wants him to take down the giant bird house as it is out of compliance with the rules, even though Sam asked the board for a "pocket edict." Sam was sore at the board saying it was like “Attica all over again” and called the board “a bunch of oligopolists.” I had to first figure out how to spell that then call my niece Hedda, who is a lawyer, to find out what it meant. She didn’t even know. Sam went on and on like a broken record and I only got to see half of Myron’s accordion solo and missed the Lennon Sisters doing Peg O My Heart - now I was getting sore! I told Sam politely it was time to go home to his birds and Mrs. Minilla. To cut to the chase Sam didn’t follow the ARC application process and made the situation a lot worse - for himself and his neighbors by overreacting. If Sam had checked the ARC Rules he would have known what the rules were and planned properly. As for Sam, he is still “struggling” against the Association. He says they hate birds said he might even chain himself to the tennis court light pole to protest the bird spikes the Association put up there. I hope he wears safety glasses. Grandson Sven got hit in the eye by a tennis ball and it smarts, gave him a big shiner. Luckily Mrs. Homeowner was on the spot with a piece of top round. Peoples, the ARC Rules are available from the Association and are even on the internet. I know this because Mrs. Homeowner bought me a computer for my birthday. Now I can look at the North Ranch ARC Rules anytime I want to, and read the North Ranch news anytime too! I know I have said it before peoples and I will say it again - Please, please review the ARC Rules and submit an ARC Form before you do a project at your North Ranch home, if you know what’s good for you! I know I do.
WHY ISN'T THE ASSOCIATION 'DOING NOTHING?' It is nice to be back in our North Ranch home and away from Minnesota...brrr. One of the best things about living in our North Ranch home is I get to know people who are from all over. Take my neighbor Dez Grundeld. Dez is from LA, or as Dez calls it, Los Angle-Eeez. Every summer Dez goes to Oxnard to visit his son and beautiful grandchildren. Dez says he might not go there no more on account of his son owning some kind of hot rod motorcycle shop. Dez says it’s “too noisy” and “full of roustabouts.” I tell him it is wonderful that his son has a job in today’s economy. Dez likes to reminisce about his days working as sales manager at a parking meter manufacturing plant. You should see Dez’s eyes light up when he talks about all the parking meters sold to the city of LA. Makes sense with all the cars out there! At the end of Dez’s story he always tells how he had to retire ‘early’ when the company moved their plant to Mexico because of high CA taxes and how mad he is about that. Dez’s union negotiated a fat pension with full benefits for Dez. Some of my North Ranch neighbors aren’t so lucky and had to come out of retirement and take second and third jobs flipping burgers, just to make ends meet. It is no different for Mrs. Homeowner and I. Our retirement portfolio took a big hit. It looks like we have to sell our small house in Minnesota and I may have to send Mrs. Homeowner back to work. I already told her to put in an application at Target. Last Monday morning my doorbell is ringing like crazy. It was Dez. He was sore, real sore. He was talking real fast repeating over and over that the Association “wasn’t doin nothin, wasn’t doin nothin, wasn’t doin nothin, wasn’t doin nothin!” Dez said the board and mgmt. company are “lazy” and haven’t fixed the cracks on Cactus Canyon Pass and that the “grounds” are “going to pot,” and that nothing around here is being maintained. He even told me how the board rejected his idea 4 years ago to install parking meters at the pool parking lot, and that they still won’t put a speed bump in front of his house and they won’t paint a new curb number either, and now the ambulance won’t be able to find his house at night. Dez’s head looked like it was about to explode. I was glad it was daytime in case an ambulance had to come to pick up Dez right then! Maybe Dez was feeling run down from the drive back home so I gave Dez a bottle of pop and some Ironized Yeast Tablets that I bought on clearance at Dayton’s. I take one when I need extra pep. I said goodbye to Dez and he went on to give my other neighbors a piece of his mind. I decided to take a nap, but not before directing Mrs. Homeowner to contact the Association to find out if it was true, that nobody was “doing nothing” while we were away for the summer. After I woke up there was all this scratch paper next to me with a list of things she found out from the Association lady, the one with the nice southern accent. I always wanted to visit the South. The farthest south I’ve been is South Chicago and I was darn lucky to make it back home to Minnesota too! Don’t go there, if you know what’s good for you! This is just some of what Mrs. Homeowner had on her list of things that were done around here while we were away: · New roads were put in Catalina 1 by the big pool. · Over 100 cactus plants were planted. · All the backflow valves, whatever they are, were tested. · New bubbler, fans, switches, lights, flag, pool lights and new wiring at the big pool ramada. My pal Harold really likes the new bubbler! · Killer bees were hunted down and killed all over North Ranch. Mrs. Homeowner is allergic to bees so she really appreciated this. · All 33 palm trees were pruned and look swell. · A new spa motor was installed at the big pool and new pressure valves put in. · Walls were rebuilt around the community. · Tennis court lights were replaced - they had to use a Super Upper to do that! · New ladies room door at the small pool, new table and umbrellas too (on the kool deck not inside the ladies room!). · The crime watch patrolled the streets of North Ranch every night for 90 days! And the list went on and on. I am surprised Mrs. Homeowner wrote all this stuff down for me, but that is why she is Mrs. Homeowner! I also found out Cactus Canyon Pass is not even owned by the Association. The cotton-pickin Pima County owns it! Poor Dez, if he would only put things in perspective he might be a little more relaxed. As for me, I will be at the small pool getting a sun tan all ‘winter. Peoples, let’s all be thankful for our families, friends, and what we have here in North Ranch! If we know what’s good for us! PEOPLES, LET'S KEEP OUR GARAGE DOORS AND CAR DOORS LOCKED! Well folks, it’s almost mid July here in Minnesota and that means Mrs. Homeowner is getting ready to winterize Cousin Thor’s house. As for me I would much rather be smoking my cigar in the back yard of my North Ranch home! Being a snowbird is, well, for the birds! Thor keeps saying he is going to buy a modular home in Pahrump, NV. After he moves we ain’t going back to Minnesota for the summer no more. Heat shmeet! If it gets hot I’ll be at the little pool at 2 PM everyday with my North Ranch neighbors! Don’t get me wrong, Minnesota is a great place. There is even a 24 hour Joe Kapp Channel on cable. Speaking of which, I got a phone call from my North Ranch neighbor Edna Sand while I was watching the Joe Kapp show. Alan Page was Joe’s guest. Did you know he became a lawyer? Edna was sore. Real sore. Poor Edna has had the worst luck with losing things out of her garage and Crown Victoria. Edna is one of the nicest people in North Ranch, especially to the youngsters. She even lets youngsters who call themselves the 420s lounge around her garage all the time. Edna says the 420s are like the 4-H Club as they seem to have a particular interest in gardening. Now I don’t know anything about that but I thought I saw them passing a Bugler around Edna’s garage when I went out to check my mail. I was a chesterfield man myself. My boss at the Hormel plant Dorsey McGuffin liked Bugler. Some of these youngsters in Edna's garage had a look on their faces that I haven't seen since 1968 when Harvey Jr. was dating a hippie girl from Ann Arbor, Michigan. Mrs.Homeowner threw him out of the house. Harvey learned his lesson and eventually married a nice girl from St. Paul. I was also amazed at all the expensive looking planters, lights and equipment. Edna said the 420s are growing herbs and spices. Edna said they even put some in her spaghetti sauce, which was a big hit, no leftovers. It all seemed queer to me. Last time I saw a kid working in a garden was 1979! I told Edna she had better tell the boys to go home and lock her garage and car, if she knew what was good for her. Now Edna is sore because her Crown Vic has been broken into 5 times, they even took Edna’s new cd player and cd collection, including Kenny Rogers The Gambler and Christmas with Pavarotti. Her daughter’s Ipad, whatever that is…….I don’t want to know about women’s business, was also stolen. And now, somebody swipes all the copper pipes from Edna’s water heater in the garage, two dozen Tino's frozen pizzas Edna got on sale at Fry's for 99 cents and a case of homemade blueberry preserves. Edna didn’t notice the hot water pipes gone missing right away because I am told in Tucson the cold water comes out hot in the summertime. Edna also said the vacant government owned house next door was broken into. Edna called the real estate agent and not the cops because she doesn’t want people to think there are criminals around. She says it will lower her property values. I said, “Edna, you think no pipes on your water heater won’t?” The realtor called the cops three days later and they found empty jars of Edna's blueberry preserves all over and bread crusts on the granite countertops. Peoples, I can’t say it enough: Keep your garage doors shut and lock your car doors, if you know what’s good for you! I know I do.
LET'S
GET TO KNOW OUR NEIGHBORS BEFORE COMPLAINING
Just last Saturday while Mrs. Homeowner was outside pulling weeds my
doorbell started to ring like crazy. I was watching my video of the Dean
Martin roast that my grandson Swen Jr. got me for Christmas. Red Buttons
was doing his hilarious routine on how he never got a dinner, just some
stale cocktail peanuts. I didn’t want to get up from my easy chair, mind
you, but the doorbell just wouldn’t stop ringing. It was my old neighbor, Buzz E. Botty. I don’t see
Buzz a lot anymore since he moved out of his North Ranch home and up to
a fine gated community on the golf course about 3 years ago. He visits
once per month to look at his rental, where he used to live. Buzz’s
tenants are swell folks who even invited Mrs. Homeowner and I to their
home a few weeks ago to watch the Olympic hockey. Mrs. Homeowner made
her world-famous potato salad. Seems Buzz is always sore about something...be it
the falling real estate prices or his neighbors here in North Ranch.
Poor Buzz. He said he was very angry at the association for not
enforcing the rules. I was surprised to hear this as I got a
friendly reminder for the weeds in my yard after the heavy rains. That’s
why I sent Mrs. Homeowner outside to pull them. I also see the Association is busy taking care of
weeds in the common areas. All the southwesterny-turquoise-colored weed
spray on the ground tells me that the board of directors and management
are doing their best to keep North Ranch beautiful. We homeowners have
to do our part too. Buzz went on to say that the neighbor directly
behind his property had gone to Home Depot and purchased a Char Broil
barbecue with a propane tank. As for me, I prefer charcoal over propane.
There is just simply no substitute for charcoal cooked burgers and hot
dogs, especially with some of Mrs. Homeowner’s potato salad and a cold,
crispy kosher pickle. Buzz said that the propane grill was a fire hazard
and could explode like a bomb at any time and burn down his rental
property. He said he had called the association and that they wouldn’t
do nothing for him. He then told me about all the other “violations” in
his neighbor’s back yard:
· A
plastic wading pool. Buzz said they had no kids and were using the pool
to wash their dog...a schnauzer.
· A
hummingbird feeder. Buzz said his dues at his other property cover
membership to the desert museum and there are plenty of hummingbirds
there and people should go there to see them. · A red gazing ball in a planter. Buzz said was not an approved color and the glare is a nuisance. He even sent certified letters to the association to report this and said that the association wasn’t doing their job if they didn’t force his neighbor to remove the items. None of these things could be seen by Buzz or anybody else unless you looked over the back yard wall. Then he told me he heard that the owner of the property was considering putting in a hot tub, which Buzz said would attract “musicians and other undesirables” to the community. I don’t get mad easy but I played the pipes for years in Minnesota for the Knights of Columbus. Buzz was hitting a little too close to home. I didn’t like the way he looked with his face beet red and veins popping out of his neck. I thought he was going to explode and raise my homeowner’s insurance premiums...so I said goodbye. Buzz wasn’t finished. He then repeated his gripes ad nauseam to Mrs. Homeowner, while she was still pulling weeds in the front yard - sweating in the heat. Mrs. Homeowner was so upset by Buzz she needed a cold ice tea to calm down. She was now worried that Buzz would turn us in to the association if he saw the Adirondack deck chair she got for my birthday - the one she put on the patio for me so I can smoke a cigar in peace. I called my niece Hedda who graduated from Hamline U law school in St. Paul and invited her over for lutefisk. Hedda said don’t worry about Buzz because the association was doing a fine job enforcing the rules in a reasonable way. Mrs. Homeowner was so relieved we all rode in Hedda’s Buick down to Dairy Queen. Mrs. Homeowner bought Hedda a Buster Bar. Poor Buzz. Too bad he spends so much time and energy on complaining I wonder if he has any left to play with his cute grandkids. And heck, if I could afford to live on the golf course like Buzz you know what I would be doing! Peoples, don’t get me wrong. I have been writing here in the Round Up for a long time now about how important it is to follow the rules and especially submitting an ARC request before making improvements to our North Ranch homes. Before we jump the gun and complain to the association about rules violations try getting to know your neighbors first. Let’s be neighborly, neighbors. If you know what’s good for you!
YOU STILL GOTTA SUBMIT AN ARC FORM PEOPLES!
Before we left for our summer hiatus to cousin Thor's in Minnesota we
got a strange phone call from our neighbor Em Payshant. Em was real sore
and carrying on about how the association had the nerve to ask her to
paint her house with approved colors. She was really sore and screeched
on about it for at least 20 minutes.
Frankly I could
only scratch my head.
Later this summer
as Mrs. Homeowner and I were attending the Lutefisk Fest at Metropolitan
Stadium, my cell phone started to vibrate and go crazy.
I thought
somebody put a jackhammer in my pocket! I was so embarrassed I left the
queue where I had waited for 90 minutes for a piece of lutefisk
autographed by the great Harmon Killebrew.
I never wanted to
get a cell phone but Mrs. Homeowner said it would be good for staying in
in touch with the kids..and they do call us, usually to ask for money.
But jiminy
chrismas it wasn't Swen or even Swen Jr. calling to hit me up for a Ben
Franklin it was Em! Em Payshant calling from North Ranch to brag about
how she was gonna show the association a thing or two about house
painting....and again, how they had "some nerve" to ask her to paint.
She went on to tell me these things:
Number one
she had no desire to submit an ARC form or used approved colors.
Number two
she tried to "match" the existing faded colors.
Number three
she purchased a hodgepodge of like colors from MacFrugals
and painted the entire house for only $49.95
Number four
she said it looked now just like it did when she bought the house in
1994.
I said "Em, maybe
you can be the Earl Schieb of house painting," thanked her for calling
and bid her adieu.
Fast forward to
the end of the August. Here I am hurrying up to winterize my cousin's
house in Minnesota so I can go ice fishing and I get yet another call
on my cell phone from Em Payshant.
Now I am getting
irritated.
Like many of you readers, Mrs. Homeowner and I are on a fixed income and
don't have a fancy calling plan so I can watch Lawrence Welk videos on
my 1 inch cell phone screen. I can darn well wait and watch him when I
get back to Tucson at 7:00 PM, Saturday night on channel 6!
So now Em is
using up my cell phone minutes (long distance!) to tell me that the
association is now fining her $10 per day because she painted her
house with unapproved colors.
And she went on
to say how she was gonna sue the pants off the association and holler at
the board at the next meeting...yada, yada.
I thanked her for
calling and said goodbye.
Now before you
think I am a cantankerous, rude fellow....ask yourself what could I have
said that I hadn't already said before?
So, peoples,
I'll just repeat
what I have said before with a little Midwestern EMPHASIS.
It is so easy
to get ARC approval for projects from the association!
Routine projects
LIKE PAINTING, EXTERIOR PAINTING, HOUSE PAINTING, PAINTING OF EXTERIORS,
AND PAINTING OF HOUSES can be approved in 24 hours!
If you are
planning an exterior repair or project submit an ARC form and get
approval.....BEFORE you begin the project - if you know what is good for
you!
I know I do. -
SUBMIT AN ARC FORM FOR ALL EXTERIOR IMPROVEMENTS For 49 years I worked hard at the Hormel plant in MN. Mrs. Homeowner and I lived in an apartment. We didn’t know about associations. After I retired to North Ranch I learned the ropes like a lot of new homeowners. When I painted my front door Minnesota Viking purple, my old neighbor Claude Hopper was there to offer guidance. I didn’t know about approved colors and the like, after all, I never lived in an association....we didn't have any in MN. Only unions. My new neighbor Vin Agar is a young fellow who works hard at the local missile factory making various and sundry devices to help keep us safe in our North Ranch homes. With all of his loud gadgets and inventions Vin is very popular with the kids, especially on the 4th of July! When Vin started building a pool in his yard I offered to help him fill out the online ARC form to make it legal with the NRCA. Being an independent type, Vin told me “thanks, but no thanks.” Not one to intrude I retreated to my home and turned on my DVD set and watched Mannix; the best detective in the business, even better than Cannon!I understand Vin’s attitude. Many years ago I was the same way with my boss. If he told me put 30 pounds of garlic powder in a vat of chili, I put in 32 because it tasted better. I did things my own way and hey...that’s what makes America great...independent thinking! Now don’t get me wrong. I am an avid swimmer. You can see me at the North Pool with my friends almost every day. I even used to be a member of the Polar Bear Club in MN. Yes, cold, warm or hot, I just LOVE the water! Nevertheless, the rules help make this a great place to live, and they are quite reasonable. The board, ARC committee and management company are also flexible and understanding of individual situations. Mrs. Homeowner had no problem getting a parking permit when cousin Ethel visited from the old country. The gals were so pleased they gave the manager cabbage rolls. The NRCA manager does walk-a-bouts on foot. It didn’t take long for them to spot a big hole in the common wall behind Vin’s house, where the heavy equipment was working on the unauthorized pool. Poor Vin, ever the stubborn one, made rude gestures and told the manager to “buzz off.” Big mistake. The association levied heavy fines against Vin’s lot and he had to pay. Mrs. Agar was livid because they had to pay fines with the money they were saving for a new dishwasher to replace the old, broken down GE installed by the builder in 1989. Poor Vin is in the doghouse. I felt so bad for Vin I brought him some Vienna sausages. It is so easy to get ARC approval for projects from the association. Routine projects are approved in 24 hours! If you are planning an external repair or project submit an ARC form, if you know what is good for you! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- KEEP YOUR GARAGE/CAR/HOME DOORS LOCKED!
You are asking "Harvey, you already wrote a story about this so why are you doing it again?" Well, neighbor Axel G. Reese woke me up last Sunday morning at 6:30. That's why. Axel was very upset that his set of brand new custom made golf clubs were swiped from his garage the night before.
I told Axel before to keep his doors locked if he knew what was good for him but he said he didn't need to on account of his grandson Otto G. Reese - who kept his sporty import car in Axel's garage. Otto's many pals were always hanging around the garage, enjoying a Bugler, beverages and judging from the smell of burning chemicals - conducting science experiments to earn extra credit.
Axel said he didn't have to worry about locking any doors as Grandson Otto and pals promised to keep a close eye on anything valuable in the garage and elsewhere. Besides, Grandson Otto's other pals frequently stopped by to share a Bugler so there was a lot of traffic up and down the street at all hours.
Low and behold the golf gear goes missing and I got a headache from Axel pounding on my door. I say "Axel, who are these people in your garage all the time? Doncha even know?" He didn't. But his golf clubs are gone and poor Axel is mighty sore!
Peoples, lets keep our doors locked - and keep riff raff out of our home if we know what is good for us! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DON'T RENT YOUR HOME TO A SCHMO An ex-neighbor of mine Moe Gull owns a lot of rental houses. Good for him I say, he worked hard and is now an independent investor. It’s the American way! Mrs. Homeowner and I are quite satisfied, mind you, with t my two bedroom North Ranch home - where I can sit comfortably in my nightshirt and watch my Dean Martin Variety Show DVDs (on my new DVD player my son Marvin bought me for Christmas, mind you). And who can blame me? After a long career working at the Hormel plant in Minnesota don't you think I deserve a little rest and relaxation? And where else can I see Phil Harris and the Gold Diggers? Moe was telling me about the problem he was having with one property. Seems he rented the place to a fellow who was just out of Joliet and now all the copper plumbing is gone. Good thing for Moe most of the pipes were polybutylene. Then the tenant subleased rooms, including the garage, to foreigners who packed the property full of migrants and transients. The property started to resemble a Flea Market! Moe then got in trouble with the association for various violations related to the schmoe tenants.. He had to pay big fines. Then the tenants stopped paying rent to Moe altogether. To make matters worse the house smells like a chemical dump and is littered inside and out with burnt cooking utensils and spilled Arm and Hammer Baking Soda. Maybe the ex-tenants had a bad case of indigestion. Now don't get me wrong. The vast majority of renters are swell folks. Mrs. Homeowner and I rented a small apartment for 49 years in Minnesota before retiring to North Ranch. But when you rent you need to do some homework, if you know what is good for you. Make your renter to fill out a CRIME FREE ADDENDUM in your lease agreement. Don't rent to a schmoe when there are so many wonderful people without multiple felonies who would love to live in this beautiful community!! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BOOZE AT THE POOL WILL GET YOU IN HOT WATER (hotter than the temperature of the small pool).
My neighbor Hy Ball is an amateur bartender. Hy throws the best parties and is a genius with a shaker and swizzle stick. Mrs. Homeowner is partial to Hy's big, sweet tasting girlie drinks.
Me, I keep it simple: One or two bourbon Presbyterians with some Melba Toast to snack on. Mrs. Homeowner simply won't have me lying in bed with an ice pack on a Saturday morning, not when there are rocks to rake and a weed or two to spray.
Not one to read the rules, Hy once took his party and portable bar to the big pool. I told them to stay home if they knew what was good for them but they wouldn't listen.
The story goes, everything went fine until Sam Minilla drank one Milwaukee's Best too many and was then seen swinging from the "researcher's rope" on the owl tree like Tarzan. The owl was so disgusted he took up permanent residence on a tennis court lamp pole.
Hy even had his pool key turned off by the association for bringing booze to the pool and causing a disturbance.
Neighbors, let's keep our booze at home and not get in trouble at the pool like Hy Ball, if you know what's good for you. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
PIGEONS MAKE A BIG MESS
My neighbor Sam Minilla is a bird watcher. You can see him out at about 5:00 am on a Sunday taking Polaroids of the fine feathered friends who frequent the wash behind our houses. Mrs. Minilla is out there too filling up bird feeders to the brim and tossing seeds and crumbs in every directions. Some of the seeds land in my yard.
And whaddya, know. Pigeons, pigeons everywhere. Mrs. Homeowner found out the hard way about the pigeons when she pulled up in the Buick after going to the car wash. What a mess!
Pigeons love to feed on the ground. Keep the bird food off the ground to keep the pigeons away, if you know what's good for you.
I know I do. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MAKE SURE YOU FILL OUT YOUR ARC REQUEST FORM
Last summer Mrs. Homeowner asked me, "Harvey, when are you going to paint the house you lazy bum?" So I painted the house but I filled out an ARC Request Form first. Why? Because I know what's good for me.
My neighbor down the street Mr. Imus Knott saw me painting my house and figured he better do the same before Mrs. Knott whacked him with a frying pan. Now Imus the spendthrift hired an army of painters and got the whole house done before I could even finish painting my front door.
The problem was, Imus Knott used colors picked out by Mrs. Knott from Better Homes and Garden magazine....colors that would have looked great on my aunt's home in Nantucket but not here in North Ranch.
Not surprisingly the ARC Committee was all over Imus Knott like a cheap suit because he used unauthorized colors. He had to repaint his house again. To add insult to injury Mrs. Knott whacked him with the frying pan after all.
Peoples, please fill out an ARC Request Form before you commit to a home project if you know what's good for you.
I know I do. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR MUTTS
Imagine taking a nice walk in the common area on a spring day. The smell of flowers, butterflies and bees buzzing around and little birdies everywhere. And then it happens:
You take a step and SPLAT! Time to get a new pair of Thom McAn's and the smell of flowers is replaced by you know what.
I have had several dogs over the years and believe me you I know the kind of messes those lovable little fuzz balls can make....and we gotta clean up after them if we know what's good for us.
Lucky for me, I have Mrs. Homeowner to do the cleaning up after the dog at home.
I take the dog for a walk every day when Mrs. Homeowner is watching The Price is Right. I carry these little plastic bags, see, to clean up after the dog when he does his duty. The little plastic bags work just as well as Mrs. Homeowner.
Next time you take little Fido out for a walk in the common area, please, think about your neighbor and pick up any dog waste left by your dog if you know what's good for you.
I know I do. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHUT YOUR GARAGE DOORS
I see a lot of people leaving their garage doors open in the middle of the day. If I see them then an observant robber does too. Why make it easy for a thief to steal your valuables or get inside your home?
You might as well put up a sign in front of your house that says, "Rob me now!" Keep your garage door shut if you know what's good for you.
I know I do.
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